'The Eye'

I’m sure that, during their hollowed-out volcanic planning retreat, Jessica Alba’s management cabal presented their client with a spiffy Powerpoint flow chart showing her career trajectory. Sci-fi TV show hottie → superhero movie hottie → diving flick bikini hottie → film noir stripper hottie → Dane Cook. Clearly, the natural progression points to “Asian horror […]

'Love in the Time of Cholera'

I’ve absolutely no familiarity with the Gabriel Garcia Marquez novel that this Javier Bardem flick is based on. (To put it bluntly, it doesn’t have enough lasers or explosions in it for me.) So, coming to this cold, all I can say is ”eh.” Never have I seen a more ham-fisted use of voiceover in […]

'Jumper'

Look! It’s Anakin Skywalker, Mace Windu, and Billy Elliot…together again for the first time! In a movie about the handsome, entitled Hayden Christensen who can teleport around the world, going on picnics, stealing cars, going to the fridge (jeez, how lazy do you have to be to teleport to the fridge?). And then he meets […]